The answer is not in books. It cannot be written and it cannot be spoken. It must be experienced. This is what our group, if you want to call it that, will be about. We will neither be interested with the past nor with the future but just the here and now.
We must forget what life has taught us and keep clear and open minds. We must not be misled by past experiences and thoughts. If we think and try to rationalize, all we are doing is stopping our growth.
We are taught we must think to find a solution. In higher consciousness we find that things work the opposite way. After all, it is our thoughts and hang-ups that got us into this mess in the first place.
–Island of Knowledge, Linda Quiring
I am experimenting with how I relate to peak experiences. I realized that every peak experience was a moment of being completely present, beyond thought. I have experienced enough beautiful moments beyond thought to see they do not require any particular circumstance to happen.
I had one walking to class across a hot parking lot during a time when I was the most depressed I ever was. For a moment, I popped out of thought and felt deep love and peace wash through me. By the time I sat down in class, it had passed.
I had one in a cult. I had one while camping. I had one driving in rush hour on the 101. As a child, I often stayed up late alone, and would have beautiful experiences listening to my Walkman, journaling, or sneaking out into the backyard to look at the moon.
But for a season of life I forgot how easily these moments come. I clung to memories of beautiful feelings, thinking about them, trying to figure out how they happened and how I could make them happen again. I worked hard to “fix” bad feelings and low moods. I had no idea that was making everything worse.
All that thinking kept me from dropping into the present and feeling the beautiful feeling that is always available, no matter our circumstances.
I heard Sydney Banks say that it is like holding tight to the reigns of a stallion. If you looked up and around, you’d see you’re in a beautiful field that’s fenced in. Just let go of the horse. He will run free, and you will never lose him.
Happiness does not come from looking for it. The search itself creates feelings of dissatisfaction. When I read “Beyond Beliefs,” I realized what it meant to live beyond all my concepts and thinking and beliefs. I saw that my true self had nothing to do with my thinking, and I was so relieved.
I exhausted myself over the course of 13 years trying to define myself, and then make that self okay. It was like someone gave me permission to sit and rest after running a nonstop marathon for over a decade.
Today I feel so good. I still get caught up in thought, and think there is something I need to fix to feel better. And then I remember, I don’t have to search anymore. I’m home.
My dear reader, you might think to yourself “This is nothing new. I’ve heard this before. I meditate. I pray. I read the Bible or other texts. My therapist talks to me about being present.”
The best thing I ever heard was “Ask yourself, what do you KNOW?” If you are like me, you may think or believe being in the present moment is a nice thing. But do you KNOW it? Do you KNOW that in the silence is everything you have ever searched for?
Look within. LISTEN. Not to your thoughts, beliefs, and concepts. LOOK and LISTEN beyond them to the silence.
I really mean that, everything you have searched for lies within. I mean that in the big spiritual sense that the love, connection, and peace you crave lies within your own soul–you are complete. But I also mean that in a very practical sense.
We are human beings, not angels. We live in the physical world of planet earth. We have a spiritual soul and this incredible ability to be connected to God and other people. But there’s all kinds of stuff that makes up our daily lives.
I have ADHD, which has turned out to be a gift. It has forced me to look within for practical things like how to keep my house clean and get to appointments on time. Whenever I get caught up in what works for other people, I create a thought storm with a bunch of shoulds and suffering. When I look within, I find I have the resources to take care of whatever needs to be done today, in this moment.
A while ago I heard someone describe what it’s like to allow negative emotions instead of resisting them, and it opened up a new world for me. It no longer looks like a big effort to feel what comes up, but it used to look like it did. Feeling whatever was coming up felt like sticking my finger into an electric socket, with no certainty that the pain and fear would ever stop. So better run far, far away from electric sockets.
I realized a few years ago that I had one big fear that ruled my life: the fear of feeling lonely. I was not afraid of being alone, but the feeling of loneliness was terrifying to me.
I realized so much of the crazy making in my thinking and behavior came because I ran from this feeling. Over the course of a few years, I started to experiment with just feeling it instead of resisting it. While I was pregnant, I was able to go into it and feel it. During the next 18 months, going from pregnancy to the first year of my baby’s life, the feeling evaporated.
Syd says, “If the only thing people learned was not to be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world.” As I learned not to be afraid of loneliness, my ability to connect with others deepened. I now see that my connection with someone is something I feel within me. If I am in a deep feeling of compassion or love, I can feel connected to anyone, no matter what their state of mind is.
The more I share this, the more I experience deeper feelings of love and compassion.
Right now I’m experimenting with strangers. Historically, I am pretty shy and reserved at first, even if I present myself as confident. So, while on walks with my daughter, I try to engage strangers a bit more in a fun and friendly way. It’s the most terrifying and exhilarating thing I’ve done in a while. I give myself lots of breaks to RBF my way through LA too.
Last week I was walking on the Santa Monica Boardwalk, pushing my stroller. I could see a couple in their 50s walking towards me. They were wearing matching overalls and T-shirts, blasting R&B, and basically dancing together as they walked down the boardwalk, making eye contact with everyone. They were having a blast! And they wanted everyone to see.
I smiled and laughed and waved back when they waved at my daughter. Then I looked over at a group of skateboarders in their late teens/early 20s. They were smiling, and one of them was filming the couple. I caught one of the guys’ eyes and said, “Is that not the cutest thing ever?!”
His face went from slightly surprised I was talking to him, to shared delight and joy. In that moment, I could feel his delight deepen as I shared my own delight with him.
(If you’re an extrovert, this is probably very obvious and easy to you. I promise, it is not to me! I really feel like I’m putting myself out there in a scary way! I’m scared right now just thinking about it!)
Something clicked for me when I saw the look on the guy’s face. This is what life is about. This is all it ever means to live in a deep feeling and share it with others. No matter my job, my circumstances, what I think about my body or my family or the world–this is available! Right here and now.
Once I was willing to feel loneliness, it cracked my heart open. Instead of hiding and running in fear, my life is opening up in incredible ways. My relationships are improving. My husband and I enjoy time together more, and even when we fight and squabble, we recover much faster. I find more delight and less drudgery in the stay-at-home-mom life.
It’s not like I float on a cloud. The point is not to never have a bad feeling again. But the feeling of love in my life continues to grow. I have greater compassion for my humanity, and as I am less demanding of myself, I am less demanding of others, which allows me to drop into a feeling of love and connection more often.
But I want to go back to what Syd said in that opening quote “We must forget what life has taught us and keep clear and open minds.” Old Gabi would have made a big deal about these insights I’ve had around loneliness. I would have tried to figure out a formula, and the more I spent time in that “figure it out” energy, the faster I would lose it.
These beautiful moments come to us when we relax and trust. They show up in the present moment to be enjoyed. And just like we inhale and exhale, they pass. And sometimes we have a whole bunch of spiritual farts that just need to move through. That’s all okay!
Inhale, exhale, fart. That’s my big lesson: I’m not so special that I never fart. Farts are fine. Just maybe go into the other room, and spray Febreze when you’re done, Gabi!
And maybe, in some way, those peak experiences will start blending into a very ordinary love and spirituality that supports my daily life.
Big love,
Gabi
**I am always available for a conversation. Dm me on IG @gabi__fisher or email me at coachgabifisher@gmail.com if you need some space to talk or listen to yourself.
Practical Wisdom 