As a child I often experienced a lovely feeling. Innocently, I went into religion looking for more of that experience. I grew up in a charismatic church (think praying in tongues and believing in miracles and healing) where that experience was nurtured, albeit in sometimes bizarre and superstitious ways. As my rational mind matured, I began to see through some of the bullshit around me. I sought to go “deeper” in my faith.
That desire led me into a mix of theology and a form of evangelical spirituality called pietism and revivalism. The theology made me think more, which usually brought me out of the experience of God I was used to. But the religious services and the cult-like ministry I later joined brought that experience alive in a deep, profound way.
I want to be clear: the experience was real. There was just a very innocent misunderstanding of where it came from. The people around me looked in a very different direction.
We all do this. We have a nice feeling, and then we get superstitious and work really hard to recreate that nice feeling. The funny thing is, working hard to create that nice feeling takes it away. It’s when the mind relaxes, and thought settles, that we have that nice feeling.
A college kid experiences the sensation of dropping out of thought when partying and drinking. She clings to that experience and innocently believes the alcohol is what gave her that experience, so she develops a habit of drinking to recreate the feeling.
I experienced the nice feeling in prayer and church, and I was given labels for that experience: “the presence of God, the Holy Spirit, study, theology, speaking in tongues, ministry, acts of service.”
I spent a summer in a Christian program at the base of the Colorado Rockies. The scenery was stunning and beautiful. I had a life changing encounter where all thought dropped away, and I experienced that feeling fully and completely in every part of me. It was very much like the experience some people report on psychedelic trips. I was love and love was all around me. Selfishness, fear, pettiness, depression, insecurity, anger, hurt… it all dissolved into a feeling of pure bliss.
I was told I needed to work hard to protect the feeling. Don’t watch movies, don’t go on social media except to “be a light”, don’t listen to people who speak of lowly things. Preserve that special feeling by following this list of prescriptions. And it was detailed! From clothes, to hairstyle choices, music, media and entertainment, even the types of Christians I was supposed to listen to and follow. If I spent too much time in the wrong churches, that feeling would go away. It was sacred, and I needed to be sacred to protect it. The world and the devil would take it away if I stopped being vigilant for even a second.
But I have an intellect. I love learning and solving puzzles. That love led me to a rigorous academic program at a Christian university. We studied the church fathers alongside Greek tragedies, Plato alongside Genesis, and Virginia Woolf alongside C.S. Lewis. I think I read around 300 “Great Books” total. I also completed a degree in philosophy, and sharpened my critical thinking skills.
The experience of God came less and less. The chapel services felt very different from the intense cult-like community I spent the summer in. I felt a lot of judgment when I went to chapel because they weren’t doing it “right.” And then in my classes I analyzed and abstracted God to death. Literally. I left college unable to believe in my religion, and acknowledged I was an atheist a few years later. It was inevitable. I abstracted him out of existence for me.
I see it so clearly now. The innocence of it. Everyone along the way was looking for that nice feeling, developing little superstitious rituals to protect it. It all looked Very Serious and Very Spiritual, but it was no different than a baseball player who firmly believes his lucky socks win him games.
The socks don’t do anything. But his brain developed a way of relating to the socks. When he puts the lucky socks on, he falls into the zone and plays better. He plays more focused and less distracted by thought.
Worship music allowed me to fall out of my thinking. I got in the zone. Theology and philosophy were these fun puzzles and games I got to play. My innocent misunderstanding was thinking they were supposed to bring me closer to that nice feeling. The more I went into my thinking for that feeling, the less I experienced it.
All innocent.
We’re all looking for that nice feeling. The best news is that it is the backdrop of life. It’s always there. What you experience when you don’t feel it is thought. The mind thinks constantly. But the nice feeling is always there in the background. It’s the space of consciousness that makes thought come alive.
**Let’s play a game.**
Slow down for a second. Settle. Take a couple deep breaths.
Inhale, hold for a beat, exhale.
Do it again. This time notice the space between the inhale and exhale.
What do you feel?
This is you. This is consciousness without thought noticing existence. This is the lovely feeling when you drop out of thought.
Inhale, hold for a beat, exhale. Notice the space after the exhale. Thought rushes in. You feel the sensation of thought. This is not you. This is consciousness experiencing thought.
Inhale, hold for a beat, exhale. Notice the space between the inhale and exhale. The open space that never changes. This is you. What does it feel like?
Inhale, hold for a beat, exhale. Notice the space after. Did you notice how the thought appearing is different this time? Thought is a river that changes constantly. It is a gift. It is the source of suffering, but it is a gift. It is not you. It is the creative potential of energy appearing in a moment. Know this: it is always changing.
You are the backdrop.
Practical Wisdom 